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A guy in a confessional:
- Father, I betrayed my wife.
- How many times?
- Listen, I'm here to confess, not to boast.


The noon. The sun is in the zenith. There is not even a cloud on the sky. Sam and Peter got lost in the desert of Sahara. They are exhausted: they have not eaten and drank anything for more than 40 hours. Suddenly, they see a mosque in front of them. Peter says:
- Salvation! I could not do it anymore. Let's ask for drink and food.
Sam is perplexed:
- You know that in the recent times the relations with the Islamic world are a bit hard. I propose to introduce ourselves as two Muslims. So we would be safer.
- Look, for a little food I do not change my religion. If they want to kill me, they can do it, but I do not present myself differently than I am.
- All right, leave it to me. I introduce myself as a Muslim and you will be my friend. I hope it will works.
They enter the mosque. Sam addresses imam:
- I am Mohammed and this is my friend Peter. We got lost in the desert. We have not been drinking and eating for two days. Please give us some food and water to save us from the death.
The imam turns to his assistant:
- Abdullah, take food and drink for Peter and you brother Mohammed, you know it's Ramadan...


Broccoli says: "I look like a tree."
The nut says: "I'm like a human brain in a miniature."
The mushroom says: "I have the shape of an umbrella."
Banana says: "I don't like this game."


What is the difference between disappointment and panic?
- The disappointment is when you notice for the first time that you cannot do it the second time.
- The panic is when you notice for the second time that you cannot do it not even the first time.


A father tries to teach his mentally retarded son to count.
- How much is 1 + 1?
- 3!
- No son... you have a lollipop and I buy you another one; how many will you have?
- 6!
- No, no (slightly unnerved)! You have an apple and get another one. How many apples do you have?
- A kilogram!
- But son..., I knock once, I knock twice...
- Daddy, daddy, somebody knocks.
- No, it's me...
- Come on daddy!


Would you lend me the lighter?
- I stopped.
- But you smoked 3 minutes ago!?
- I stopped lending the lighter.


- What is the lesson of "Beauty and the Beast" story?
- A beautiful girl can fall in love with a beast if the beast owns a castle.


- I bought one of those books that help to develop the memory.
- Interesting. What is the title of the book?
- I don't remember.


An old farmer has a big property next to a beautiful lake. Under the apple and apricot trees, he placed wooden benches and tables. He also placed a small beach on the shore of the lake. The perfection for a nice picnic. One afternoon he decides to check if the fruits were ripe for collecting them. He took a basket and went to the lake. Before he got there, he had already heard some female voices and their laugh and when he looked out over the lake he saw a group of girls, all naked, bathing in the crystal water.
The girls became aware of his presence and they immersed themselves in the water up to their necks. One of them:
- You will not see anything! Until you are here we don't go out.
- I didn't come here to see you naked...
He raises the basket to show it to the girls.
- I came to feed the crocodiles in the lake.


I hope my relatives will give me a nice present for Christmas, as they did last year.
- What did they give you?
- They didn't come for Christmas lunch.


Advertisement: I'm searching for a partner to open a store. Required possession of a burglary tool.


In the early morning, the sun has not yet appeared on the horizon, the owner came to his factory. The night watchman greeted him and stopped him:
- Mr. Director, I heard that tomorrow you go to a cruise on the fjords of Norway. Listen to me and do not go on that trip. Tonight, I dreamed that your ship will sink, and all persons will die.
After a lengthy reflection, the owner, who was very superstitious, called the travel agency and canceled the excursion. After two days he heard on the news that the ship hit an iceberg and that none of the passengers and crew members had been saved. He tells his secretary to call a night watchman.
- I have one good and one bad news for you. The good one is that I am very, very grateful because you save my life.
- What's a bad one?
- I must fire you because you slept at work.


Professor asks a student:
- Colleague, tell me what is quicker: the light or the sound?
The student ponders and finally answers:
- The light is faster.
- Right! Now explain why this is so.
- Just because the eyes are in front of the ears.


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