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A man enters in a wine store and asks the seller:
- What would you advise me for the 25 anniversary of the wedding?
- Dear sir, it depends if you want to celebrate or to forget.


Two friends play golf. One of them is ready to hit the ball and in that moment a funeral hearse passes by. The man stops, take off his hat and bows. His friend:
- I didn’t know that you are so sensible.
- However, I was married to her for 30 years.


Husband asks his wife:
- Would you like to spend a nice weekend?
- Of course my dear!
- See you on Monday then.


Two friends:
- What is it: it weighs 500 pounds, it provides heat during the winter but hangs on the tree during the summer?
- ???
- It is a stove.
- A stove that hangs on a tree?
- Why does it matter to you where I keep my stove during the summer.


A man at the doctors:
-Doctor, I have diarrhea and it won’t go away!
-Did you try using a lemon?
-Yes I did, but when I removed it, it started again!


- Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?
- No it doesn't my son.
- Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed.


A man is driving on a city bus with a newspaper on his knee. From time to time, he rips a piece off, ripping that piece into smaller ones and throwing them out the window. A passenger standing near him asks:
-Excuse me, why are you throwing pieces of paper out the window?
-I’m chasing away the elephants
-Chasing elephants? There aren’t elephants in the city.
-Well that means it's working!


Two friends:
- I heard that you have made a band.
- Yes, it's a quartet.
- How many of you are there?
- There are three.
- Three?
- Me and my brother.
- You have a brother?
- No, why do you ask?


In a restaurant, a man ordered soup but, as soon as it arrived, he had to go to the bathroom. To make sure that nobody touched his soup while he is away, he wrote on a napkin: "I SPIT IN THE SOUP".
When he returned, he found another message on napkin: "ME, TOO".