More jokes

Two friends play golf. One of them is ready to hit the ball and in that moment a funeral hearse passes by. The man stops, take off his hat and bows. His friend:
- I didn’t know that you are so sensible.
- However, I was married to her for 30 years.

Husband asks his wife:
- Would you like to spend a nice weekend?
- Of course my dear!
- See you on Monday then.

Two friends:
- What is it: it weighs 500 pounds, it provides heat during the winter but hangs on the tree during the summer?
- ???
- It is a stove.
- A stove that hangs on a tree?
- Why does it matter to you where I keep my stove during the summer.

A man at the doctors:
-Doctor, I have diarrhea and it won’t go away!
-Did you try using a lemon?
-Yes I did, but when I removed it, it started again!

- Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?
- No it doesn't my son.
- Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed.

A man is driving on a city bus with a newspaper on his knee. From time to time, he rips a piece off, ripping that piece into smaller ones and throwing them out the window. A passenger standing near him asks:
-Excuse me, why are you throwing pieces of paper out the window?
-I’m chasing away the elephants
-Chasing elephants? There aren’t elephants in the city.
-Well that means it's working!

Two friends:
- I heard that you have made a band.
- Yes, it's a quartet.
- How many of you are there?
- There are three.
- Three?
- Me and my brother.
- You have a brother?
- No, why do you ask?