Jokes

I asked my girlfriend:
- Dear, can I take your newspaper?
- Why don't you take my iPad?
The fly will never know how prestigious her death was.

- I do not care who your father is, but while I'm fishing you cannot walk on the lake.

People are always worried. About college exams, for example. They kill themselves for their unhappy loves, cry for the past times, breaks their backs for tough jobs, go to war for the ideals of others, are sad for the most meaningless things. And I am here, sitting in the chair, trying to find the beginning of the scotch tape.

A famous actress of the film dedicated to adults goes to the church to make her own confession to the priest. She tells him her sins, related mainly to her world of work. The priest listens carefully and after a while his breathing becomes labored. "You are a priest" - he was telling himself - "you have to resist to the temptation". The actress realizes that the priest was excited and she begins to feel that way too. Her story becomes even more hard, more detailed and she begins to unbutton her shirt. The priest sees what happens and start to sweat heavily. "You are a priest, you must resist" - he continues to encourage himself. In the meanwhile, the woman took off her bra, skirt and her underpants. Turned on, she was starting to get nervous because the priest did not pass to the action. So she leaves the confessional. The man follows her. She sits on the altar, raises a leg and starts to touch herself, all in front of the priest who was getting crazy. He looks up to the top and looks at the statue of the Jesus.
- Jesus, help me. Tell me what to do.
- Take me away from the cross! Take me away from the cross!

She sends him a SMS message:
- My dear, if you sleep send me your dreams, if you laugh send me your smile, if you cry send me your tears. I love you.
He answers:
- I'm on latrine duty. What do you want that I send to you?

Two colleagues in the office:
- How did it end the fight with your wife?
- She came crawling to me.
- And what did she say?
- Get out from under the bed!

A jokes fun club. All the jokes are catalogued and the old members know their numbers. An old member says:
- Five!
All laugh. Another member:
- Twenty four!
General laugh. A newbie, first time in one session, saw that's enough tell the number of a joke, decides to try:
- Sixteen!
Absolute silence. Nobody laughs. One of the old members tells him:
- Colleague, doesn't matter the joke, it's important to tell it well.

A woman is complaining to her neighbor:
- My husband is 300% impotent.
- A few days ago you told me 100%, not 300%.
- Well, yesterday he fell down the stairs, broke his finger and bit his tongue.

Two blondes are chatting about the interruption of electricity that was two days before.
- I was stuck in the elevator for two hours.
- And I was waiting for two hours on mobile stairs.