Jokes

A soldier writes to his fiancée:
- With one hand I hold your photography and with the other I think of you.

A gentleman meets a Scot he met many years ago and who has always stammered. He notices that this speaks fluently. He asks him:
- But you once stammered and now you speak perfectly. How did you do it?
- About a year ago I was supposed to make an international call, you know Australia, and you know how much those calls cost.

- Why don't males have cellulite?
- Because the cellulite is ugly!

A guy is in the hospital, in very bad shape, with a bandaged head and a hand in plaster. As soon as he is back in the conscious state, the doctor asks him what happened.
- My wife and I sat on the sofa and watched her favorite TV series. At one point I asked her to bring me a beer, but she refused. Her cell phone rang in the kitchen. She immediately got up to see who calls. She found my message: "Since you are already in the kitchen, can you bring me the beer?" I don't remember anything after that.

A man opened a club and hired 3 strippers. He boasts to a friend of him:
- Look at this, the classic Latin type, beautiful. And this other one, blonde, everywhere. Do you agree that she is spectacular?
Also shows the third, an old woman of over 70 years. The friend asks:
- Sorry ... is she a stripper too, the third one?
- Yes, you know she comes at the end of the show, when I have to close and people don't want to go home.

A masked thug stops a man in a dark alley. He threatens him with the gun and tells him:
- Give me your money.
- But I'm a politician.
- So, give me my money.

- Running after others' women improves physical condition and health, and running away from their husbands extends life.

A woman asks her husband:
- What do we do for Valentine's Day?
- What day is it?
- Wednesday.
- A hamburger is fine; you haven't done it in a long time.

- How can you recognize a nearsighted gynecologist?
- He has a wet nose.

- If you give a man a fish, you will feed him for a day. But if you teach him how to fish, you can stay with his wife every day.

- I understand women who love other women. I also understand that they adopt a child: the desire to be a real family. I don't understand who, in the future, will marry that child with two mother-in-law.

After a candlelit dinner, the husband asks his wife:
- Honey, the mushrooms you made were great. Where did you find the recipe?
- In a crime novel.

A journalist is addressing a man:
- Good morning. We're doing a television poll. If an old person enters the bus, will you grant them her seat?
- Absolutely not!
- Oh, you are a rude person.
- No ma'am, I'm a bus driver.

Four friends around a table in a pub. Marco has just got married and he offers the dinner. One asks him:
- Marco, did you sleep with your wife before marriage?
- Yes i did it. And you?
- Us too, but we didn't know you will marry her.

A lady walks into a shoe shop and gets busy. After more than an hour around her there are dozens of open boxes and messy shoes. Finally, a smile shows on her face and she calls the salesman:
- I like this shoes. How much do they cost?
- Nothing lady. They are the ones she came with.

Two friends:
- Yesterday, in a second hand shop, I bought a doll to blow up.
- Why in the shop with the used stuff?
- Because I like women with some experience.

- Why do they keep the madmen divided in madhouse?
- To prevent them from forming a government.

- Nationalism stops when you start earning more than five thousand dollars a month, feminism when you can't open a jar and atheism when the air turbulence begins while you are flying in a plane.

Two friends:
- My wife had an accident with my Mercedes.
- Horrible! Is she hurt?
- Not yet, she locked herself in the bathroom.

A labor inspector comes to a factory that produces chicken sausages. He talks to the production manager:
- Do you also add some other meat to your products?
- Yes ..., we add.
- Which kind?
- Horse meat.
- How much?
- About half - half.
- What does it mean half - half?
- One chicken - one horse.
- If you put so little chicken, would it be better not to even put it?
- In fact, we don't put it.

I made fun of fat men and I became fat. I teased the bald men and I became bald. Now I tease only the rich.

I was sitting in a dentist's studio. It was my first time here; the dentist was recommended to me by a friend. His degree was hanging on the wall. Reading it, I realized that the name and surname sounded familiar to me. He arrived in my class in the middle of the first semester. He was tall, handsome, with blue eyes: I immediately fell in love with him, but I never had the courage to tell it to him. When my turn came, I entered the dental studio. In front of me there was an old man, with little white hair, lots of wrinkles on his face and a pair of glasses with very thick lenses. When I seated on the chair, I couldn't help myself:
- Excuse me, did you attend the "Morton" high school?
- Yes! I graduated in 1975. But how do you know?
- You were in my class.
- And you, what did you teach?

I asked my girlfriend:
- Dear, can I take your newspaper?
- Why don't you take my iPad?
The fly will never know how prestigious her death was.

- I do not care who your father is, but while I'm fishing you cannot walk on the lake.

People are always worried. About college exams, for example. They kill themselves for their unhappy loves, cry for the past times, breaks their backs for tough jobs, go to war for the ideals of others, are sad for the most meaningless things. And I am here, sitting in the chair, trying to find the beginning of the scotch tape.