Jokes

- How can you recognize a nearsighted gynecologist?
- He has a wet nose.

- If you give a man a fish, you will feed him for a day. But if you teach him how to fish, you can stay with his wife every day.

- I understand women who love other women. I also understand that they adopt a child: the desire to be a real family. I don't understand who, in the future, will marry that child with two mother-in-law.

After a candlelit dinner, the husband asks his wife:
- Honey, the mushrooms you made were great. Where did you find the recipe?
- In a crime novel.

A journalist is addressing a man:
- Good morning. We're doing a television poll. If an old person enters the bus, will you grant them her seat?
- Absolutely not!
- Oh, you are a rude person.
- No ma'am, I'm a bus driver.

Four friends around a table in a pub. Marco has just got married and he offers the dinner. One asks him:
- Marco, did you sleep with your wife before marriage?
- Yes i did it. And you?
- Us too, but we didn't know you will marry her.

A lady walks into a shoe shop and gets busy. After more than an hour around her there are dozens of open boxes and messy shoes. Finally, a smile shows on her face and she calls the salesman:
- I like this shoes. How much do they cost?
- Nothing lady. They are the ones she came with.

Two friends:
- Yesterday, in a second hand shop, I bought a doll to blow up.
- Why in the shop with the used stuff?
- Because I like women with some experience.

- Why do they keep the madmen divided in madhouse?
- To prevent them from forming a government.

- Nationalism stops when you start earning more than five thousand dollars a month, feminism when you can't open a jar and atheism when the air turbulence begins while you are flying in a plane.

Two friends:
- My wife had an accident with my Mercedes.
- Horrible! Is she hurt?
- Not yet, she locked herself in the bathroom.

A labor inspector comes to a factory that produces chicken sausages. He talks to the production manager:
- Do you also add some other meat to your products?
- Yes ..., we add.
- Which kind?
- Horse meat.
- How much?
- About half - half.
- What does it mean half - half?
- One chicken - one horse.
- If you put so little chicken, would it be better not to even put it?
- In fact, we don't put it.

I made fun of fat men and I became fat. I teased the bald men and I became bald. Now I tease only the rich.

I was sitting in a dentist's studio. It was my first time here; the dentist was recommended to me by a friend. His degree was hanging on the wall. Reading it, I realized that the name and surname sounded familiar to me. He arrived in my class in the middle of the first semester. He was tall, handsome, with blue eyes: I immediately fell in love with him, but I never had the courage to tell it to him. When my turn came, I entered the dental studio. In front of me there was an old man, with little white hair, lots of wrinkles on his face and a pair of glasses with very thick lenses. When I seated on the chair, I couldn't help myself:
- Excuse me, did you attend the "Morton" high school?
- Yes! I graduated in 1975. But how do you know?
- You were in my class.
- And you, what did you teach?

I asked my girlfriend:
- Dear, can I take your newspaper?
- Why don't you take my iPad?
The fly will never know how prestigious her death was.

- I do not care who your father is, but while I'm fishing you cannot walk on the lake.

People are always worried. About college exams, for example. They kill themselves for their unhappy loves, cry for the past times, breaks their backs for tough jobs, go to war for the ideals of others, are sad for the most meaningless things. And I am here, sitting in the chair, trying to find the beginning of the scotch tape.

A famous actress of the film dedicated to adults goes to the church to make her own confession to the priest. She tells him her sins, related mainly to her world of work. The priest listens carefully and after a while his breathing becomes labored. "You are a priest" - he was telling himself - "you have to resist to the temptation". The actress realizes that the priest was excited and she begins to feel that way too. Her story becomes even more hard, more detailed and she begins to unbutton her shirt. The priest sees what happens and start to sweat heavily. "You are a priest, you must resist" - he continues to encourage himself. In the meanwhile, the woman took off her bra, skirt and her underpants. Turned on, she was starting to get nervous because the priest did not pass to the action. So she leaves the confessional. The man follows her. She sits on the altar, raises a leg and starts to touch herself, all in front of the priest who was getting crazy. He looks up to the top and looks at the statue of the Jesus.
- Jesus, help me. Tell me what to do.
- Take me away from the cross! Take me away from the cross!

She sends him a SMS message:
- My dear, if you sleep send me your dreams, if you laugh send me your smile, if you cry send me your tears. I love you.
He answers:
- I'm on latrine duty. What do you want that I send to you?